Read an Excerpt

The Understanding Your Suicide Grief

Support Group Guide: Meeting Plans for Facilitators

Center for Loss and Life Transition

Support group meeting plan — Session One

Introduction to the Group

Introduction/Welcome

Welcome the participants to the meeting and provide a brief orientation to the purpose of the support group. The introduction and orientation could include comments such as the following (if you are using a co-leader, as I hope you are, you will of course say "we" instead of "I"):

Thanks so much for coming to this support group. We welcome each and every one of you. As you know, this group will be a combined education-support group. We will be using the books Understanding Your Suicide Grief and The Understanding Your Suicide Grief Journal. As group leaders, we believe you will find these resources to be supportive and bring you hope.

Each of our meetings will last 90 minutes; we will meet every week for twelve weeks. The first half of the meeting will be a discussion based on some content from the books. The second half of each meeting will be left open for group sharing.

At tonight's meeting, we will begin to get to know each other, distribute the books, and go over our group ground rules. Before we get started, does anyone have any questions or concerns? Again, we thank each of you for being here tonight.

Next, the leader (that's you!) will distribute a printed list of the group ground rules you have created prior to the first meeting. The group will then review the ground rules and ask questions or share concerns. Your group may wish to make changes or additions to this list.

Sample Suicide Grief Support Group Ground Rules

1. Each person's grief is unique. While you may share some commonalities in your experiences, no two of you are exactly alike. Consequently, respect and accept both what you have in common with others and what is unique to each of you.

2. Grief is not a disease, and no "quick-fix" exists for what you are feeling. Don't set a specific timetable for how long it should take you or others to heal.

3. Feel free to talk about your grief. However, if someone in the group decides to listen without sharing, please respect his or her preference.

4. There is a difference between actively listening to what another person is saying and expressing your own grief. Make every effort not to interrupt when someone else is speaking.

5. Thoughts, feelings, and experiences shared in this group will stay in this group. Respect others' right to confidentiality. Do not use names of fellow participants in discussions outside the group.

6. Allow each person equal time to express himself or herself so a few people don't monopolize the group's time.

7. Attend each group meeting and be on time. If you decide to leave the group before this series of meetings is completed, be willing to discuss your decision with the group.

8. Avoid "advice giving" unless it is specifically requested by a group member. If advice is not solicited, don't give it. If a group member poses a question, share ideas that helped you if you experienced a similar situation. Remember that this group is for support, not therapy.

9. Recognize that thoughts and feelings are neither right nor wrong. Enter into the thoughts and feelings of other group members without trying to change them

10. Create an atmosphere of willing, invited sharing. If you feel pressured to talk but don't want to, say so. Your right to quiet contemplation will be respected by the group.

Facilitate Initial Introductions of Group Members

Following a review and discussion of the ground rules, you as facilitator can model introducing yourself. If you have suffered a suicide death in your own life, you can share a little about your experience and why you are leading this support group. Then you can invite others to do the same. Obviously, part of your role is to bring sensitivity and encouragement to the group members.

To make it safe for the participants to introduce themselves, be sure to provide topics for the introductions. For example: "To help us start to get to know each other, please tell us your name, a little about the suicide in your life, and what your hopes from being in this group are. If each of us takes four or five minutes to do this, it will be very helpful. Again, thanks for your willingness to be here." Please note: You are purposefully not having them go into great detail about the circumstances of the deaths at this point. You are trying to gently enter into the process and helping them begin to feel safe with each other, the group experience, and you. Trust in the process, and don't panic when some members take more time than others. This naturally occurs as more people speak and trust begins to be established. Some members may talk more initially out of anxiety, while others will appear withdrawn and may even have to pass.

Again, trust in the process. If a member feels the need to pause for a while, the group will understand. Tears need not be forced, but certainly will be accepted if they occur. If necessary, you may gently remind the group not to interrupt with questions when members are first introducing themselves.

At this first meeting, the sharing process is an important initial step in creating a supportive, healing group experience. As people begin to share themselves, a powerful bonding often begins. Go slowly. As I always say, "There are no rewards for speed." Listen, learn, and heal.

Distribute Resources

At the conclusion of the group introductions, you will distribute copies of the two books (Understanding Your Suicide Grief and The Understanding Your Suicide Grief Journal) to each person. Explain to members that the first book is for reading and the journal is for expressing their thoughts and feelings about what they read. Explain that the books introduce the concept of the ten Touchstones that are essential physical, emotional, cognitive, social, and spiritual actions for you to take if your goal is to heal from your grief experience and find continued meaning in life.

Discuss Homework

Everyone is asked to read the Introduction to both books and Touchstone One in Understanding Your Suicide Grief before the next meeting. Invite and encourage the members to complete the journal for these sections (through p. 16). Obviously, group members should be asked to come prepared to discuss the material and their reactions to what they have both read and written. Members also should be asked not to read ahead in the books; reading the primary book and completing the journal will be a shared group experience.

Again, thank everyone for being a vital part of this group and let them know you look forward to seeing them next week.

Session One Notes

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Support group meeting plan — Session Two

Introduction to the Texts and Touchstone One

This meeting is when you begin to model how nicely it works to reflect on the content of Understanding Your Suicide Grief in the first half of your meeting and then shift to more open-ended discussion in the second half. Of course, all the time you are modeling good leadership skills, being sure to include everyone in ways that make them feel welcomed and included.

You will find that there are too many questions in the journal section each week to go through them one by one during the meeting. Instead, I suggest you pick out three or four that your unique group might be responsive to exploring and lead a discussion about them. There will be time in the second half of the meeting for group members to bring up whatever they want to talk about, which might include some of the journal questions not covered in the first half of the meeting. Use the remaining questions to encourage open exploration, discussion, and group sharing. Stay flexible and responsive to your group.

Potential topics (from the journal) for discussion from the Introduction and Welcome to the book:

You might initially ask some very open-ended questions such as: "As you read the Introduction to Understanding Your Suicide Grief, what thoughts and feelings came to mind for you? Does the concept of "Touchstones" or "trail markers" make sense to you? What did you think of Dr. Wolfelt's thought that we need to "surrender" to this experience? What did you think of the discussions of hope, heart, and courage? What was your response from just reading the Introduction?"

Key topics (from the journal) for discussion:

• Dosing your pain

Suicide grief is typically profoundly painful and overwhelming. What have group members learned about the need to "dose" their pain?

• Setting your intention to heal

You might consider asking each group member in turn to read what he or she has written in response to the journal question on p.12. This can be a powerful motivational discussion that sets the tone for the healing to come.

• Shock versus denial

Invite group members to share their experiences with feelings of shock and denial. What types of denial have some of the members experienced or witnessed in others they know? How are they gently and in doses working to soften any long-term denial?

• Grief is not a disease

Discuss the ways in which group members have taken (and are taking) steps to help themselves begin to heal.

Use your leadership qualities and skills to facilitate the discussions each and every week. Approximately the second half of this and every following session should be used for open-ended discussion. However, keep in mind that each and every group will have its own unique tone and dynamic. Allow each meeting to flow naturally.

Homework

For the next meeting, each participant should be asked to read Touchstone Two — Dispel the Misconceptions About Suicide and Grief and Mourning (pp. 35-52) and complete the companion journal section (pp. 17-32).

Session Two Notes

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Support group meeting plan — Session Three

Touchstone Two — Dispel the Misconceptions About Suicide Grief and Mourning

After initial warm-up, I suggest that you lead an open discussion of the Misconceptions about Grief outlined in Touchstone Two. There is enough content here that discussion usually comes easily to members. They often like to give examples of how they have experienced these misconceptions in their own journeys.

Again, use the questions outlined in the journal to encourage open exploration, discussion, and group sharing. This journal chapter has many, many questions — too many to cover during group. Pick just a few and concentrate on those, then if there's time, continue discussion with more of the questions.

Key topics (from the journal) for discussion:

• The difference between grief and mourning

On a chalkboard or flipchart, make two columns. Title one "Grief" and the other "Mourning." The purpose here is to make sure that group members understand the difference between the two, and to help them focus on not only grieving the death, but mourning the death. Get examples of grief and mourning and write them in the appropriate column. (For example, sadness would go under grief; crying would go under mourning.)

• All suicide survivors feel guilty

Facilitate a discussion about suicide and guilt. Be certain that you are not prescribing to group members that they SHOULD feel guilty. The purpose of this discussion is to explore any potential feelings of guilt that might exist as well as the tendency for others to assume that suicide survivors feel guilty. Discuss the difference between blame and responsibility.

• Explore the various misconceptions

Go right down through the list of the different misconceptions and see what comes up in discussion. of discussion and further bond your group.

Remember — approximately the second half of this session can be used for open-ended discussion.

Homework

For the next meeting, each participant should be asked to read Touchstone Three — Explore the Uniqueness of Your Suicide Grief (pp. 53-68) and complete the companion journal section (pp. 33-56).

Session Three Notes

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Support group meeting plan — Session Four

Touchstone Three — Embrace the Uniqueness of Your Suicide Grief

After initial warm-up, I suggest that you lead a discussion of the unique influences on grief outlined in Touchstone Three. On a chalkboard or flipchart, write the ten "Whys" listed in this chapter. (You might also include one additional heading called "Other;" this creates a place for you to write down group responses that don't fit in one of the ten "Whys.") Just by looking at the chalkboard, the group can then easily recall the ten influences and explore the various questions related to them in their journals.

Time will probably not allow participants to explore each question under each "Why," so use your judgment in processing them. Depending on your group size, you may want to break into two groups. Your skills in group process are part of the art of leading this group and making decisions about how to best lead each meeting.

Key topics (from the journal) for discussion:

• The circumstance of the suicide (Why #1)

This can be a difficult topic for participants. But it's helpful to talk about it and get support from fellow group members. Obviously, you will model active listening and support the unfolding process. People may feel it helpful to simply read some of what they have written about this in their journals.

• Your relationship with the person who completed suicide (Why #2)

Referring to the prompts in the journal (pp. 34-37), ask participants to share their thoughts or stories about their unique relationships with the person who died.

Obviously, you can facilitate discussion around the additional "Whys" and invite members to brainstorm other "Whys" as well. Again, the second half of the session can be used for open-ended discussion.

Homework

For the next meeting, each participant should be asked to read Touchstone Four – Explore Your Feelings of Loss (pp. 69-112) and complete the companion journal section (pp. 57-80).

Session Four Notes

Touchstone Four — Explore Your Feelings of Loss

This meeting is about all the various feelings participants might have as part of the grief experience. As you know, these feelings can be all over the map. Some people feel angry, some feel numb, some feel ashamed. Most people feel a combination of feelings, and these feelings change from day to day and week to week. Keep in mind as you lead this meeting that feelings are not good or bad, they just are. Model supportive, non-judgmental responses for the rest of the group.

After the warm-up, list the feelings described in Touchstone Four on the chalkboard or flipchart:

• Shock, Numbness, Denial, Disbelief

• Disorganization, Confusion, Searching, Yearning

• Anxiety, Panic, Fear

• Explosive Emotions

• Guilt, Regret, Self-Blame, Shame, Embarrassment

• Sadness, Depression, Loneliness, Vulnerability

• Relief, Release

• Integration, Reconciliation

You can then jump into a general discussion in which group members share the feelings they've had as part of their grief experience.

Another way to broach this discussion would be to give each group member a small sticky-note tablet and have them write down the feelings they've had, one per page. Then have them stick the sticky notes up and down their sleeves. You're having your group "wear their hearts on their sleeves!" That's a good thing, because it's a metaphor for healthy mourning (expressing your grief outside yourself)!

This can lead to a discussion that not only affirms the normalcy and naturalness of each of these feelings, but also encourages group members to EXPRESS these feelings in some way — to not only grieve, but to mourn.

Finally, try to save the second half of this meeting for open discussion.

Important: Touchstone Four covers clinical depression. Even though you may not be a trained or licensed therapist, as group leader it is your responsibility to help identify group members who may be in need of additional help. If this discussion reveals signs of clinical depression or suicidal thoughts, wait until the end of the group meeting and ask to talk individually to the depressed group member. Talk to him or her about your concerns and offer to help link him or her with extra help. Then follow up outside of class!

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Excerpted from The Understanding Your Suicide Grief by Alan D. Wolfelt. Copyright © 2009 Alan D. Wolfelt. Excerpted by permission of Center for Loss and Life Transition.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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