Read an Excerpt

Healing Your Grieving Heart

100 Practical Ideas

Center for Loss and Life Transition

1.

UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GRIEF AND MOURNING.

• Grief is the constellation of internal thoughts and feelings we have when someone loved dies.

• Mourning is the outward expression of grief.

• Everyone who has the capacity to give and receive love grieves when someone loved dies, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn.

• Many of the ideas in this book are intended to help you mourn this death, to express your grief outside of yourself. Over time and with the support of others, to mourn is to heal.

CARPE DIEM:

Ask yourself this: Have I been mourning this death or have I restricted myself to grieving?

2.

BE COMPASSIONATE WITH YOURSELF.

• The journey through grief is a long and difficult one. It is also a journey for which there is no preparation.

• Be compassionate with yourself as you encounter painful thoughts and feelings of loss and grief.

• Don't judge yourself or try to set a particular course for healing.

• Let your journey be what it is. And let yourself — your new, grieving self — be who you are.

CARPE DIEM:

Look at yourself in the mirror and say, "I am in mourning. I will be compassionate with myself as I mourn this death in my own unique way and in my own time."

3.

UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING

Need #1: Acknowledge the reality of the death.

• You must gently confront the difficult reality that someone you loved is dead and will never physically be present to you again.

• Whether the death was sudden or anticipated, acknowledging the full reality of the loss may occur over weeks and months.

• You will first acknowledge the reality of the loss with your head. Only over time will you come to acknowledge it with your heart.

• At times you may push away the reality of the death. This is normal. You will come to integrate the reality in doses as you are ready.

CARPE DIEM:

Tell someone about the death today. Talking about it will help you work on this important need.

4.

UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING

Need #2: Embrace the pain of the loss.

• This need requires that we embrace the pain of our loss — something we naturally don't want to do.

• It is easier to avoid, repress or push away the pain of grief than it is to confront it.

• It is in embracing your grief, however, that you will learn to reconcile yourself to it.

• You will probably need to "dose" yourself in embracing your pain. If you were to allow in all the pain at once, you could not survive.

CARPE DIEM:

Reach out to someone who doesn't try to take your pain and sense of loss away. Spend some time with him.

5.

UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING

Need #3: Remember the person who died.

• When someone loved dies, that person lives on in us through memory.

• To heal, you need to actively remember the person who died and commemorate the life that was lived.

• Never let anyone take your memories away in a misguided attempt to save you from pain. It's good for you to continue to display photos of the person who died. Although it's not always possible or appropriate, it's also good for you to stay in the house you shared with the person who died.

• Remembering the past makes hoping for the future possible.

CARPE DIEM:

Brainstorm a list of characteristics or memories of the person who died. Write as fast as you can for 10 minutes (or more), then put away your list for later reflection.

6.

UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING

Need #4: Develop a new self-identity

• Part of your self-identity was formed by the relationship you had with the person who died.

• You may have gone from being a "wife" to a "widow" or from a "parent" to a "bereaved parent." The way you defined yourself and the way society defines you has changed.

• You need to re-anchor yourself, to reconstruct your self-identity. This is arduous and painful work.

• Many of us find that as we work on this need, we ultimately discover some positive changes, such as becoming more caring or less judgmental.

CARPE DIEM:

Write out a response to this prompt:: I used to be ____. Now that ____ died, I am ____. This makes me feel ____. Keep writing as long as you want.

7.

UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING

Need #5: Search for meaning.

• When someone loved dies, we naturally question the meaning and purpose of life and death.

• "Why?" questions may surface uncontrollably and often precede "How" questions. "Why did this happen?" comes before "How will I go on living?"

• You will probably question your philosophy of life and explore religious and spiritual values as you work on this need.

• Remember that having faith or spirituality does not negate your need to mourn. "Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted."

CARPE DIEM:

Write down a list of "why" questions that have surfaced for you since the death. Find a friend or counselor who will explore these questions with you without thinking she has to give you answers.

8.

UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING

Need #6: Receive ongoing support from others.

• As mourners, we need the love and understanding of others if we are to heal.

• Don't feel ashamed by your dependence on others right now. Instead, revel in the knowledge that others care about you.

• Unfortunately, our society places too much value on "carrying on" and "doing well" after a death. So, many of us are abandoned by our friends and family soon after the death.

• Grief is a process, not an event, and you will need the continued support of your friends and family for weeks, months and years.

CARPE DIEM:

Sometimes your friends want to support you but don't know how. Ask. Call your closest friend right now and tell her you need her help through the coming weeks and months.

9.

ALLOW FOR NUMBNESS.

• Feelings of shock, numbness and disbelief are nature's way of temporarily protecting us from the full reality of the death of someone loved. They help us survive our early grief.

• We often think, "I will wake up and this will not have happened." Mourning can feel like being in a dream.

• Your emotions need time to catch up with what your mind has been told.

• Even after you have moved beyond these initial feelings, don't be surprised if they re-emerge. Birthdays, holidays and anniversaries often trigger these normal and necessary feelings.

CARPE DIEM:

If you're feeling numb, cancel any commitments that require concentration and decision-making. Allow yourself time to regroup.

10.

PLAN OR PARTICIPATE IN A MEANINGFUL CEREMONY FOR THE PERSON WHO DIED.

• Rituals are symbolic activities that help us, together with our families and friends, express our deepest thoughts and feelings about life's most important events.

• The funeral ritual is a public, traditional and symbolic means of expressing our beliefs, thoughts and feelings about the death of someone loved.

• Funerals help us:

* acknowledge the reality of the death.

* give testimony to the life of the deceased.

* express our grief.

* provide support to mourners.

* embrace our faith and beliefs about life and death.

• Memorial services and other remembrance ceremonies long after the event of the death are also healing rituals.

CARPE DIEM:

Invite others who loved the person who died to help you plan a personalized, inclusive, meaningful ceremony.

10.

BE AWARE THAT YOUR GRIEF AFFECTS YOUR BODY, HEART, SOCIAL SELF AND SPIRIT.

• Grief is physically demanding. The body responds to the stress of the encounter and the immune system can weaken. You may be more susceptible to illness and physical discomforts. You may also feel lethargic or highly fatigued.

• The emotional toll of grief is complex and painful. We often feel many different feelings, and those feelings can shift and blur over time.

• Bereavement naturally results in social discomfort. Friends and family often withdraw from mourners, leaving us isolated and unsupported.

• We often ask ourselves, "Why go on living?" "Will my life have meaning now?" "Where is God in this?" Spiritual questions such as these are natural and necessary but also draining.

CARPE DIEM:

No doubt you are physically impacted by your grief. Make an appointment to see a doctor this week. Sometimes it's comforting to receive a clean bill of health.

12.

USE THE NAME OF THE PERSON WHO DIED.

• When you're talking about the death or about your life in general, don't avoid using the name of the person who died.

• Using the name lets others know they can use it, too.

• Acknowledge the significance of the death by talking about the person who died: "I remember when David ...", "I was thinking of Sarah today because ..."

• Encourage your friends and family to use the name of the person who died, too. We often love to hear that special name.

CARPE DIEM:

Flip through a baby name book at a local bookstore or library and look up the name of the person who died. Reflect on the name's meaning as it relates to the unique person you loved.

13.

CRY.

• Tears are a natural cleansing and healing mechanism. It's OK to cry. In fact, it's good to cry when you feel like it. What's more, tears are a form of mourning. They are sacred!

• On the other hand, don't feel bad if you aren't crying a lot. Not everyone is a crier.

• You may find that those around you are uncomfortable with your tears. As a society, we're often not so good at witnessing others in pain.

• Explain to your friends and family that you need to cry right now and that they can help by allowing you to.

• You may find yourself crying at unexpected times or places. If you need to, excuse yourself and retreat to somewhere private.

CARPE DIEM:

If you feel like it, have a good cry today. Find a safe place to embrace your pain and cry as long and as hard as you want to.

14.

REACH OUT AND TOUCH.

• For many people, physical contact with another human being is healing. It has been recognized since ancient times as having transformative, healing powers.

• Have you hugged anyone lately? Held someone's hand? Put your arm around another human being?

• You probably know several people who enjoy hugging or physical touching. If you're comfortable with their touch, encourage it in the weeks and months to come.

• Hug someone you feel safe with. Kiss your children or a friend's baby. Walk arm in arm with a neighbor.

CARPE DIEM:

Try hugging your close friends and family members today, even if you usually don't. You might find it comforting.

15.

WRITE A LETTER.

• Sometimes articulating our thoughts and feelings in letter form helps us understand them better.

• Write a letter to the person who died telling her how you feel now that she's gone. Consider the following prompts:

* What I miss most about you is ...

* What I wish I'd said or hadn't said is ...

* What's hardest for me now is ...

* What I'd like to ask you is ...

* I'm keeping my memories of you alive by ...

• Read your letter aloud at the cemetery.

• Write a letter to God telling him how you feel about the death.

• Write notes of appreciation to helpers such as hospice staff, neighbors, doctors, funeral directors, etc.

CARPE DIEM:

Write a letter to someone you love who's still alive, telling her why she's so important to you.

16.

CREATE A SANCTUARY JUST FOR YOU.

• Mourners need safe places — sanctuaries — where we can go when we feel ready to embrace our grief.

• Create a sanctuary in your own home, a retreat that's just for you.

• Furnish it with a comfy chair, reading materials, a journal, a stereo with appropriate CDs or cassettes. No TV

• An outside "room" can be equally effective. Do you have a porch or patio where you can just "be"? Locate a comfortable chair and install a table-top fountain.

CARPE DIEM:

Identify a spot in your house that can be your sanctuary. Begin readying it today.

17.

EXPRESS YOUR FAITH.

• Above all, mourning is a spiritual journey of the heart and soul.

• If you have faith or spirituality, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you.

• Attending a church, synagogue, temple or other place of worship, reading religious texts and praying are a few conventional ways of expressing your faith.

• Be open to less conventional ways, as well, such as meditating or spending time alone in nature.

CARPE DIEM:

Visit your place of worship today, either for services or for an informal time of prayer and solitude.

18.

EXPECT TO HAVE A MULTITUDE OF FEELINGS.

• When in grief, we don't just feel sad. We may feel numb, angry, guilty, afraid, confused or even relieved. Sometimes these feelings follow each other within a short period of time or they may occur simultaneously.

• As strange as some of these emotions may seem to you, they are normal and healthy.

• Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling without judging yourself.

• Talk about your feelings with someone who cares and can supportively listen.

CARPE DIEM:

Using old magazines, clip images that capture the many feelings you've been having since the death. Make a "feelings collage" on poster board and display it somewhere you'll be able to reflect on it often.

KEEP A JOURNAL.

• If you like to write out your thoughts and feelings, journaling is an excellent avenue for self-care.

• Remember — your inner thoughts and feelings of grief need to be expressed outwardly (which includes writing) if you are to heal.

• Consider jotting down your thoughts and feelings each night before you go to sleep. Your journal entries can be as long or as short as you want.

• Or keep a dream journal, instead. Keep a blank book in your nightstand for recording your dreams when you wake up.

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Excerpted from Healing Your Grieving Heart by Alan D. Wolfelt. Copyright © 2001 Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D.. Excerpted by permission of Center for Loss and Life Transition.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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