Transcending Divorce: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart

Transcending Divorce: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart

by Alan D Wolfelt PhD
Transcending Divorce: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart

Transcending Divorce: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart

by Alan D Wolfelt PhD

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Overview

With empathy and wisdom, this resource provides 10 essential touchstones for hope and healing when enduring a divorce while simultaneously dispelling common misconceptions associated with divorce. Stressing the importance of the need to fully mourn the loss of a relationship before moving on, this compassionate guide—written with a warm, direct tone—will help divorcees reconcile and discover a happy, healthy life. An appendix with useful meeting plans for group sessions is also included.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781879651500
Publisher: Companion Press
Publication date: 06/01/2008
Series: Transcending Divorce
Pages: 128
Sales rank: 1,093,404
Product dimensions: 5.50(w) x 8.40(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD, is the director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School’s department of family medicine. He is a regular contributor to Living with Loss magazine and the author of Healing Your Grieving Heart, The Journey Through Grief, and Understanding Your Grief. He lives in Fort Collins, Colorado.

Read an Excerpt

Transcending Divorce

Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart


By Alan D. Wolfelt

Center for Loss and Life Transition

Copyright © 2008 Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-879651-50-0



CHAPTER 1

Touchstone One

Open to the Presence of Your Loss

"In every heart there is an inner room, where we can hold our greatest treasures and our deepest pain."

Marianne Williamson


You are going through or have experienced a divorce. In your heart, you have come to know deep pain. From my own divorce experience as well as those of thousands of people I have companioned over the years, I have learned that we cannot go around the pain that is the wilderness of our grief surrounding lost love. Instead, we must journey all through it, sometimes shuffling along the less strenuous side paths, sometimes plowing directly into the dark center.

In opening to the presence of the pain of your divorce, in acknowledging the inevitability of the pain, in being willing to gently embrace the pain, you in effect honor the pain. "What?" you naturally protest, "honor the pain?" Crazy as it may sound, your pain is the key that opens your heart and ushers you on your way to eventual healing and transcendence.

You see, it is impossible to accept what you have not faced. You cannot integrate what you have not grasped or felt. The struggles that accompany divorce cannot be avoided. As difficult as it is to do, you must squarely face your pain.

In many ways, and as strange as it may seem, this book is intended to help you honor the pain that comes with your divorce. Even if you are the one who initiated the divorce, pain accompanies the experience. Honoring means recognizing the value of and respecting. It is not instinctive to see grief and the need to openly mourn your divorce as something to honor, yet the end of your marriage brings about a necessity to mourn. Honoring the grief surrounding your divorce is not self-destructive or harmful; it is self-sustaining and life giving!

"If we resist the pain of ending, we skirt the opportunity for initiation."

Thomas Moore

You have probably been taught that pain is an indication that something is wrong and that you should find ways to alleviate the pain. In our culture, pain and feelings of loss are experiences most people try to avoid. Why? Because the role of pain and suffering is misunderstood. Normal thoughts and feelings after losses of any kind (divorce, death, etc.) are often seen as unnecessary and inappropriate.

You will probably learn over time that the pain of your divorce grief will keep trying to get your attention until you have the courage to gently, and in small doses, open to its presence. The alternative — denying or suppressing your pain — is in fact more painful.

Denial — not admitting, actively trying to forget, not letting yourself know or recognize a difficult truth about yourself and your divorce experience — is a psychological position that most of us who have walked this walk have needed to use at some point in the journey. Denial protects us from the pain of loss and the need to mourn. But denial is a temporary time-out and ultimately can become far worse than facing the pain that comes with divorce loss. Actually, when you get stuck in denial that your marriage has ended (or is ending), it represents a spiritual compromise, a disability that limits your potential growth and transcendence on every level.

I have learned that the pain that surrounds the closed heart is the pain of living against yourself. You run the risk of withdrawing and experiencing greater isolation and aloneness. A closed heart renders you unable to love and be loved by those who are available and willing to surround you in unconditional love. So, I invite you to choose courage and face any denial surrounding your divorce. For behind your denial hides a beautiful, radiant spirit, a new, whole, conscious self just waiting to face the truth, to finally be born. As we just get started on this journey together, I want to begin by welcoming you to what can and will become a new, hope-filled world. This is the kind of world that awaits you.


What is Healing?

To heal literally means to become whole again. Healing is the process of integrating your grief into your self and learning ways to live your changed life with fullness and meaning. Experiencing a new and changed "wholeness" requires that you engage in the work of mourning. It doesn't just happen to you; you must stay open to that which has broken you for healing to begin.

Healing is a holistic concept that embraces the physical, emotional, cognitive, social and spiritual realms. Note that healing is not the same as curing, which is a medical term that means "remedying" or "correcting." You cannot remedy your grief, but you can integrate it into your life. You cannot correct your grief, but you can heal it.


You have a choice. Yes, you can choose to allow yourself to remain open to the pain. As an ancient Hebrew sage observed, "If you want life, you must expect suffering." Paradoxically, it is the gathering of the courage to move toward the pain that ultimately leads to healing your wounded heart. By being willing to engage your feelings and honor the truth in them, you are being true to your authentic self.

In part, this book will encourage you to be present to your multitude of thoughts and feelings, to "be with" them, for they contain the truth you are searching for, the energy you may be lacking, and the eventual unfolding of your healing and transcendence. Oh, and keep in mind, you will need all of your thoughts and feelings to lead you there, not just the feelings you judge as acceptable. For it is in being honest with yourself that you find your way through the wilderness of your divorce and identify the places in you that need to be healed. Yes, grief and mourning are critical ingredients in the life and unfolding of your soul.

EXPRESS YOURSELF: Go to The Transcending Divorce Journal, p. 7.


Dosing Your Pain

While this first Touchstone seeks to help you understand the role of pain in your healing and eventual transcendence, I want to make sure you also understand that you cannot embrace the pain of your divorce grief all at once. If you were to feel it all at once, you might feel overwhelmed and unsure that you could survive. Instead, you must allow yourself to "dose" the pain — feel it in small waves then allow it to retreat until you are ready for the next wave.


As you stay present to your pain that comes with the experience of divorce, you will be participating in "soul work," which will eventually lead to "spirit work." Keep in mind that "soul work" precedes "spirit work."

Soul Work: A downward movement in the psyche; a willingness to connect with what is dark, deep and not necessarily pleasant

"A wound that goes unacknowledged and unwept is a wound that cannot heal."

John Eldredge


Spirit Work: A quality of moving toward the light; upward, ascending

In part, healing and transcendence are about your willingness to descend into your soul work on the path to your spirit work. My personal and professional experience suggests that when we encounter divorce loss, we must descend before we can transcend.

EXPRESS YOURSELF: Go to The Transcending Divorce Journal, p. 7.


Setting Your Intention to Heal and Transcend

You are on a journey that is naturally frightening, painful and often lonely. No words, written or spoken, can take away the pain you feel now. I hope, however, that this book will bring comfort and encouragement as you make a commitment to embracing that very pain.

It takes a true commitment to heal your divorce grief. Yes, you are wounded, but with commitment and intention you can and will become whole again. Commitment goes hand in hand with the concept of "setting your intention." Intention is defined as being conscious of what you want to experience. A close cousin of "affirmation," it is using the power of positive thought to produce a desired result. So, how can you use this concept of setting your intention to influence your journey through the grief that comes with lost love?

When you set your intention to heal and eventually transcend this life-changing experience, you make a true commitment to positively influence the course of your journey. You choose between being what I call a "passive witness" or an "active participant" in your divorce experience. I'm sure you have heard this tired cliché: Time heals all wounds. Yet, time alone has nothing to do with healing the wounds of grief that come with divorce. Healing and integrating this loss into your life demands that you engage actively in the grief journey. It can't be fixed or resolved; it can only be soothed and integrated through actively experiencing the multitude of thoughts and feelings involved.


Integrating Your Divorce Grief

The concept of intention-setting presupposes that your outer reality is a direct reflection of your inner thoughts and beliefs. If you can change or mold some of your thoughts and beliefs, then you can influence your reality. In journaling and speaking (and praying!) your intentions, you actively help "set" them.

You might tell yourself, "I can and will reach out for support during this difficult time in my life. I will become filled with hope that I can and will survive this divorce." Together with these words, you might form mental pictures of hugging and talking to your friends and seeing happier times in your future.

Integration

An important concept to keep in mind as you journey through the grief of your divorce experience is that of integration. You cannot "get over" or "resolve" your grief from divorce loss, but you can learn to integrate it. That is, you can learn to incorporate it into your consciousness and proceed with meaning and purpose in your life. See Touchstone Nine for more on the concept of integration.


Setting your intention to heal is not only a way of surviving your divorce (although it is indeed that!), it is a way of actively guiding your grief. Of course, you will still have to honor and embrace your pain during this time. By honoring the presence of your pain, by understanding the appropriateness of your pain, you are committing to facing the pain. You are committing yourself to pay attention to your experience in ways that allow you to eventually begin to breathe life into your soul again. What better reason to give attention to your intention! The alternative would be to shut down in an effort to avoid and deny your pain (see my book Living in the Shadow of the Ghosts of Grief), which is to die inside while you are still alive.

In reality, denying your grief, running from it, or minimizing it only seems to make it more confusing and overwhelming. Paradoxically, to eventually soften your hurt, you must embrace it. As strange as it may seem, you must make it your friend.

In this book, I will attempt to teach you to gently and lovingly befriend your divorce grief. To not be so afraid to express your grief. To not be ashamed of your tears and profound feelings of sadness. To try not to pull down the blinds that shut out light and love. Slowly, and in "doses," you can and will return to life and begin to live in ways that put stars back into your sky.

EXPRESS YOURSELF: Go to The Transcending Divorce Journal, p. 9.


No Reward for Speed

Reconciling your divorce grief does not happen quickly or efficiently. The "grief work" surrounding divorce may be some of the hardest work you ever do. Because grief is work, it calls on your physical, emotional, cognitive, social, and spiritual energy.

Consequently, you must be patient with yourself. When you come to trust that the pain will not last forever, it becomes tolerable. Deceiving yourself into thinking that the pain does not even exist is sure to make it intolerable. Spiritual maturity in your grief work is attained when you embrace a paradox: to live at once in the state of both encounter and surrender, to both "work at" and "surrender to" your grief.


Spiritual Pessimism Versus Spiritual Optimism

In part, you can choose whether you intend to experience spiritual pessimism or spiritual optimism. For example, if you believe getting a divorce means you are an inferior person who has a multitude of character flaws, it will be next to impossible for you to make it through this difficult time. By contrast, if you "set your intention" to recognize that embracing the pain of your loss can help you to integrate this experience, you can and will survive. In addition, if you can acknowledge life's mysterious forces, then without overlooking the pain, you might actually see some wisdom in the relationship ending. So, ask yourself, will you be a spiritual pessimist surrounding your divorce, or will you be a spiritual optimist?


As you come to know this paradox, you will slowly discover the soothing of your soul. Resist the need to figure out everything with your head, and let the paradox embrace you. You will find yourself wrapped in a gentle peace — the peace of living at once in both encounter (feeling the pain of your grief) and surrender (embracing the mystery without trying to "understand" it with your head).


Understanding the Concept of Surrender

This concept of surrender teaches you that when you stop resisting and surrender to your situation exactly as it is, things begin to change. Resistance is an instinctive defense mechanism you use to push away or deny your pain, to protect you from your feelings of loss and grief. In the end, resistance robs you of your capacity to heal and transcend. When you surrender, you acknowledge, "This is what I am faced with right now in my life's journey. While I'd like it to be different, I must allow myself to face the reality of what is happening." When you surrender, you release attachment to how you feel your life should be and invite yourself to be in the presence of your life exactly as it is. Surrender is an act of courage that allows you to detach from the outcome. In surrender, you become more capable of living in the reality of the here and now — more capable of seeing choices that were concealed from you. In surrender, you may also find consolation that, in some strange, mysterious way beyond your control, the relationship you had with the person you were married to has been fulfilled. In surrender, you are invited to stop trying to control what you cannot control. The gift of peace of mind and gentleness of heart awaits you.

EXPRESS YOURSELF: Go to The Transcending Divorce Journal, p. 9.


Face Any Inappropriate Expectations

You are at risk for having inappropriate expectations of how "well" you should be doing in the face of your divorce experience. These expectations result from common societal messages that tell you to "be strong" in the face of life losses. Invariably, some people around you will say things like: "You just need to move on." "You are better off without him (or her)." "He (or she) wasn't right for you anyway." "Keep your chin up." "Keep busy." And my personal favorite, which I heard numerous times: "I've got someone for you to meet."

"It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop." Confucius

Often combined with these messages is an unstated but strong belief that "You have a right not to hurt. So do whatever is necessary to avoid it." The unfortunate result is that you may be encouraged by some people around you to be happy when you need to be sad, self-treat your pain with drugs or alcohol, prematurely involve yourself in a new relationship, or deny any and all feelings of loss and grief.

Society often tends to make those of us who experience divorce loss feel ashamed and embarrassed about our pain and grief. Shame can be described as the feeling that something you are doing is bad or wrong. And you may feel that if you mourn the loss of your marriage, then you should be ashamed. If you internalize these messages, you will, in fact, feel like a failure. Sad to say, if you are perceived as "doing well" with your divorce by social standards, you are considered "strong," "holding up very well," and "in control." By contrast, if your feelings are fairly intense, you may be labeled "overly-emotional" or "needy." I often observe that society has it backwards about who is "doing well" in times of grief and loss and who is "not doing well." Naturally, if you avoid the pain that accompanies the loss of your marriage, the people around you will not have to "be with" you in your pain or experience any pain that might be influencing their own lives. While this may be more comfortable for them, it would prove to be unhealthy for you. The reality is that many people will try to shield themselves from pain by trying to protect you from yours. Do not let anyone do this to you!

"To suppress the grief, the pain, is to condemn oneself to a living death. Living fully means feeling fully; it means being completely one with what you are experiencing and not holding it at arm's length."

Phillip Kapleau


(Continues...)

Excerpted from Transcending Divorce by Alan D. Wolfelt. Copyright © 2008 Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.. Excerpted by permission of Center for Loss and Life Transition.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents

Contents

Also by Alan Wolfelt,
Title Page,
Copyright Page,
Dedication,
Introduction and Welcome,
Touchstone One - Open to the Presence of Your Loss,
Touchstone Two - Dispel the Misconceptions About Divorce and Grief,
Touchstone Three - Understand the Uniqueness of Your Divorce Experience,
Touchstone Four - Explore Your Feelings of Loss,
Touchstone Five - Recognize You Are Not Crazy,
Touchstone Six - Understand the Six Needs of Divorce Transition,
Touchstone Seven - Nurture Yourself,
Touchstone Eight - Reach Out for Help,
Touchstone Nine - Seek Integration — Not Resolution,
Touchstone Ten - Appreciate Your Transformation,
The Divorced Person's Bill of Rights,
Acknowledgments,
ALSO BY ALAN WOLFELT,

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